Why We Do This
by InkTreasures88
Summary: "With the bang of a gavel the case was over and Jerry Carr was found guilty. The victims got their much needed closure, but she knew there was something wrong with Barba." Olivia heads to his office to find out. My first Barson fic because I miss those two so much, hope you enjoy!


This story follows the case of Jerry Car in season 19, episode 3. The way Barba seemed so angry at the jury by the end of the trial really hit me and I think Olivia noticed it as well, so I decided to write a scene in which she goes to his office to try and talk about it. Hope you like. :)

With the bang of a gavel the case was over and Jerry Carr was found guilty. The victims got their much needed closure, but she knew there was something wrong with Barba. He gave her his usual reassuring stare after the verdict was called in their favor, but then he rushed out of the courtroom without a single word. There was something about this trial that was bothering Barba and she knew it. The way he angrily crumpled his notes and seemed to attack the jury with his closing argument was just not like him.

"Why do we need cops or courts?"

His words were not like him. The fire he always had during a closing argument was in his eyes, but it burned more like anger than passion. He was questioning all the things they have worked so hard all theses years to achieve. Questioning justice and the entire system they work for. It was all there in between the lines of his argument and she was worried he finally cracked.

These were the thoughts that were rushing through her mind as her heels clicked and echoed in the empty hallway leading to Barba's office. It was late, but she knew he would be here contemplating the case. Passing Carmen's empty desk, she lightly knocked on his door and slowly opened it to let herself inside. She found him on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, nursing a drink in his hands. His stare was blank and he made no attempt to acknowledge her entrance into the office. She closed the door and made her way to the vacant spot next to him on the couch. As she sat down she realized how utterly tired Barba looked. His tie was loosened and his sleeves were rolled up his elbows. Dark circles that she never noticed he had were under his eyes and even his perfectly groomed hair was disheveled, as if he had been running his hands through it. Everything about him screamed defeat and it worried her to no end.

"Barba?" she called as he continued stare ahead, lost in his constantly working mind.

"Rafa?" she called again as she laid a hand on his forearm.

He flinched and his eyes quickly shifted around the room, landing on her.

"Liv? Whe-when did you get here?" He stammered, trying to recover from whatever hell his thoughts were putting him through.

"I came in just a minute ago and you didn't even notice. Rafa, this isn't like you, what's wrong?" She replied, squeezing his arm a little tighter than she needed to. Barba sat there, lapsing into silence once more, staring off into nothing. His unresponsiveness only worried her more. She needed to bring him back. She needed to understand what was disturbing him him so much.

"Rafael, you weren't yourself in that courtroom today and I know something is bothering you, just talk to me. Please?" The quiver in her voice brought him back from his thoughts. Sighing deeply, he looked down at his hands and began to nervously run his finger around the rim of his now warm drink. He searched for the words to say to her, angry that a successful ADA such as himself couldn't even put what he was thinking in a sentence. Olivia could see the gears turning in his head, trying to formulate what to say. Fearing he would retreat into his thoughts again she instinctively brought her hand to his face, gently turning him back to face her again. There was a fight going on in his stormy green eyes and she could see it. She needed him to come back to her, she needed to help him through this.

"Please Barba. You can tell me anything. Just. Let. Me. In." Olivia pleated one more time, hoping her words would get through to him. After a moment that seemed to stretch a lifetime, he finally spoke.

"Why do we do it Liv?"

His question sat heavy between them. Olivia slowly removed her hand from his face, surprised that he was asking her this question for the second time, remembering the conversation they had at his favorite restaurant earlier that week.

"We do this to get justice for victims and their families Barba, you know that."

He looked at her and shook his head. His anger only grew as he stood and walked over to his desk, practically slamming the drink he had onto its surface.

"How is it justice Liv? How is anything we do justice for anyone?" he spat, turning around to lean on the edge of his desk, both hands gripping the edge until his knuckles turned white. His face was serious and his body was tense with anger. Benson looked at him from her spot on the couch, taken aback by his behavior. Even on their toughest cases, she had never seen him like this before.

"It's justice because we don't take the law into our hands, we use the courts and get the bad guys the right way and we stay true to our jobs in the process. That's how we help the victims Barba."

Barba threw his head back, annoyed with Olivia's reply.

"Oh of course you would say that Liv. Always fighting to save a victim and strive for the greater good. Always needing to be someone's savior. But what about the ones we can't save Olivia? What about their lives?" His stare bore into her and she felt like she was burning. She got up and began to pace, anything to try and forget that his stare was digging a hole through her. She realized that this question must have been eating at him for a long time, breaking him inch by inch. He's held this in for too long and now he was lashing out, she knew he didn't mean to be so harsh to her. She stopped pacing and went over to him, putting her hands on his arms.

"I know we can't save everyone Rafael, but I find solace in those we do save. We try our hardest to do our jobs and put these guys in jail, and I of all people know how much it hurts when we lose a case and they get to walk away. But I've learned to not let it tear me apart and can't watch it tear you apart like this either."

He fell quiet again and she felt the tension in his muscles release and she knew he had finally gathered the words to explain himself. She let go of his arms and stood intently, waiting for his reply.

"You know. When I first started at SVU, I thought it was going to be black and white. You get the evidence, catch the rapist and I prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. That was it. That's what I thought the job was. But then we started losing cases. I was able to push the anger out of my head for a while by telling myself we will get the next one, until that didn't work anymore. The feeling I had that it was my fault those victims never got justice, that I wasn't doing my job to the best of my ability, wasn't going away. And this case just brought all those feelings back. Jerry Carr is a rapist and I had to make a jury understand that having his manhood taken from him, does not mean he doesn't have to pay for his crime! What kind of twisted logic is that? The whole trial, the jury was believing the tale he was spinning about not deserving what was happened to him and all I could do was sit back and watch. By the time closing arguments came I lost it. I was so angry at the system. I was so angry at rapists getting off because of loopholes and technicalities. The fact that that jury was going to let him get away with rape because of what was done to him brought me to me breaking point Liv."

He ended his explanation and crossed his arms on his chest. Olivia stood across from him, stunned and reeling from Barba's rush of emotion and all he had told her. Now she finally understood what was bothering him so much, yet she only had two questions to ask.

"Why did you stay with SVU all these years? If it ate at you this much, why didn't you just leave?"

Rafael stood silent for a moment and thought about voicing the real reason he had stood at SVU for so long. The real reason, that despite everything he felt when he lost a case, he kept fighting to win the next one. He decided he needed to tell her before he lost the courage to tell the truth.

"I stood because of you Olivia."

She looked at him in shock for a moment and he continued his confession before she could say anything else.

"Everytime you came to me with a case I thought we couldn't possibly win, I brought it to court because of you. Your passion and love for your job inspired me. Your determination to catch your man no matter what situations came our way kept me going everyday. I told myself that if Olivia 'badass' Benson believed I could win the case, then I was damn well going to do everything in my power to make that happen." He uncrossed his arms and came closer to Olivia, all the anger in his eyes was gone and it replaced by something she could only describe as relief. Relief because he finally said exactly what was bothering him, instead of letting it burn inside him.

"I realize now that you're right Liv, we can't save everyone and it hurts me like hell, but like you said, I am going to keep my thoughts on those we do save. Together."

Barba was so grateful that Olivia had come looking for him, he was so happy that he had her in his life and he wanted to make sure she knew that. Without any second thought, he placed a light kiss on Olivia's cheek.

"Thank you Liv for being there to help me keep my head straight."

A smile played over Olivia's lips, she was relieved that the Rafael Barba she knew and loved had finally come back from the dark place she found him in. Putting a hand over her heart she replied,

"Always."

Hope you liked my little story, it was my first attempt at a Barson fic. Drop me a review, let me know what you think. Thanks for reading! :)


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